Sunday, June 24, 2012

Bacon: God's Other Gift

Let me just say this: I'm a meat kind of guy. There's just something about a hearty steak, pork chop, or barbecue sauce-slathered ribs that equates to sheer euphoria. But there's one meat in particular that beats out all other meats and foods and completely closes the argument of the existence of God; that meat, friends is bacon.

 Bacon is amazing; no, it can't file your taxes, but that's okay. Bacon is probably the one food that can go with any other food AND make it better. Bacon alone is phenomenal; throw it some grits (that's good make-you-want-to-holler-Jesus Southern food)and you've got a party. Throw some bacon bits on a salad and you've got a way to make any carnivore eat a green vegetable (see, it can work miracles, too). Burger King even has a new dessert item called the Bacon Sundae. However, Wendy's completely floored me when they came out with the Baconator, a sandwich with SIX pieces of divine pleasure on one sandwich. I recall looking irony into one for the first time and Etta James' song At Last playing in my head due to the sheer extascy.

 A food that good could have only come from the table of the Most High himself. Here's how I picture the first creation of bacon:

 God is sitting on His throne when he calls a few of his angels over to him.

 Angels - Yes, how may we serve, You?

 God - I have given my children much to be thankful for, have I not?

 Angel #1 - Surely! You have given them the Earth and all the creatures in it. You gave them the gift of sex which, I might add, they're still reeling over, and of course you sent them your Son to atone for their sins. 

God - Yes...but I wish to give them something else...especially for the single ones...something to tie them over until marriage.

 God makes a plate of bacon appear

 God - Try this.

 Angel #2 - MMMMM!

 Angel #3 - OH, MY GOODNESS!

 Angel #1 - They're going to love this!

 God chuckles.

 God - well I know.

 Okay, so maybe God didn't create bacon with single people in mind, but hey, as a single guy I'd like to think married people get sex and we get bacon, but I digress. I love being a Christian, I really do. It contains the greatest plan for unconditional love the world will ever know and as a bonus, I get to eat bacon. I couldn't be part of a religion that doesn't let me have meat or as far as Islam goes, pork, and by extension, bacon. I mean, that's just criminal and vegetarians...I'll never understand. Sure, you can say turkey bacon is good and all, but that's just like trying to substitute the love of Christ in your life with something else - it just doesn't work. So while you're living your baconless lives, I'll be at home doing devos every morning, marveling at God's power and awesomeness, thanking Him for His Word and His Son, all the while partaking of my bacon buffet.


  1. Sex and bacon is better than church

  2. Before the fall of man and the original sin, Adam and Eve were vegetarians. So actually, every time that you eat meat you're further establishing your position as an oblivious Christian.

    1. Abigail Wigwam, will you be my lesbian lover? We can adopt darling atheist children from China and Sudan and raise them to believe in the one, true god: Nicholas Cage.

  3. This is great! Thank you for the brilliant and hysterical blog post!

    1. Haha, you're welcome! I enjoyed writing it as much as you enjoyed reading it!